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Athens burns in the moonlit sky

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(no subject) [Jan. 3rd, 2010|03:24 am]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
This 2010 shit isn't going to fly.
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Another year coming to a close. [Dec. 31st, 2009|12:07 am]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
Maybe that's it. I've always looked at it as the END of a year not the BEGINNING of a year. A year in review, not a year to anticipate. I hate this time of year. I really do.
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(no subject) [Dec. 6th, 2009|04:30 am]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
In the end they'll judge me anyway
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Cigarettes [Nov. 3rd, 2009|11:27 pm]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
3 November 2009. Last one for at least two months. We'll see how this goes.
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The times, they are a-changin [Oct. 28th, 2009|09:53 pm]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
So much has happened since I wrote anything of any importance. Hah. A lot for the better, then for the worse. My circle of friends shattered into pieces. Heroin is a fucked up drug, let me tell you. It must be some amazing shit to be worth throwing your life away for. I stumbled into a relationship with an absolutely amazing girl. In no time at all she managed to strip away all of the walls I'd built and showed me the way out of the hole I'd dug myself into. I was reminded what it was like to be human again, to feel and to live. It was... amazing, for lack of a word to truly describe it. I was reminded of all of the great things to accompany the horror of being a human being, how all the pain and terror is worth suffering for the moments of euphoria in life. Now, out of the relationship, it hurts far, far more than anything has hurt in a long time. I spent nearly a week trying not to vomit every second of every day because the most important part of my life was gone. So it goes, I suppose. It was a trip, to be sure. One that I wish had not ended. So it goes.

I woke up to a shattered driver-side window a week later (this Tuesday) and some fuckhead stole my sub and amp. I hope he rots in hell after a violent and painful death. Basically life was great and now it's back to the same old shit again. A brief moment of happiness just to taunt me, more than anything, hah. So it goes.

All of my friends are leaving. One to the east coast, one to Detroit, one to California, one to drug abuse. Stability has become a thing of the past. Each day a piece of my heart is flaking away. I'll soon find out what's at the center, I suppose. Flesh and blood or steel, time will tell.

I recently (recently, hah, it was months ago. I find it very interesting how much my sense of time has changed in the last few years) read a book called Armor. One of my favorite books, basically the story of my life, not in the literal sense as I'm not a space marine hopping though a war with an insect like race et cetera and so forth, but living with the Engine as your guardian and keeper basically defines several years of my life. Highly worth a read if you ever want to wrap your head around what's wrong with me.

Driving to California next month to help the aforementioned friend move there, then flying back. God. That will be a horrific, horrific day.

Another day, another dime, and I'm waiting, just waiting, for something to fucking happen. Every day is repetition. Something needs to before I do something stupid to make something happen.
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A book I apparently need to read. [Jun. 25th, 2009|10:38 pm]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
Just for future reference, don't use words like "love" anymore. It's a very sensitive word and it wears out quickly. Romeo barely says it, but John Hinckley filled up a whole journal with it. To put it into your terms, it's a currency that's easily devalued. Pretty soon you're saying it whenever you hang up the phone or whenever you leave. It turns into an apology. Then it's an excuse. Some assholes want it to be a bulletproof vest: don't hate me; I love you. But mostly it just means--more. More, more--give me something more. A couple of years from now, when you're on your own completely, if you really fall in love, if it really comes to that--and I pity you if it does--you have to look right down into the black of her eyes, right down into the emptiness in there and feel everything, absolutely everything she needs and you have to be willing to drown in it, Kevin. You'd have to want to be crushed, buried alive. Because that's what real love feels like--choking. They used to bury some women in their wedding dresses, you know. I thought it was because all those husbands were too cheap to spring for another gown, but now it makes sense: love is your first foot in the grave. That's why the second most abused word is "forever".

Hot Plastic, Peter Craig
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(no subject) [Apr. 6th, 2009|10:46 pm]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
Infinitesimal moments of sanity interrupting an otherwise utterly and completely absurd existence define the last few months with ever decreasing moments of clarity and reality. It is a truly spectacular and equally horrible thing to watch the world slip away from you. I don't think it's what one might call normal to consider, in all reality, no humor intended, that my life has become a waste of time. A distinct lack of urge to continue life certainly sounds about fitting to the situation on a day to day basis. Life has sunk to existence and nothing more. Days blend together without any real interruptions. Sleep is hard to come by, and once I'm finally out I cannot wake up to save my life. Time passes faster and faster but I continue to fall behind. It's time lapse photography, I sit here and watch everything around me skip forward. It's all happy go lucky sunshine and and god damn rainbows until you realize it's a waste of fucking time. Or maybe I just am. I'm so sick of this shit. It doesn't get better, and I lost the power and will to try to make it better a long time ago. Life is what you make of it. Don't piss it away, because once it's gone, it's gone. Don't stop loving, don't stop smiling, and don't stop laughing. They're resources far more precious and finite than most people will ever know.

It's time to start drinking again.
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Life. [Oct. 31st, 2008|01:12 am]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
Life has settled into a much slower downward slope. An even speed is better than free fall, I suppose. I ought to start drinking heavily again, that seemed to work. I pinned it down that I only drink heavily when life is so overwhelming that I can't block it out of my mind. Sooner or later it comes around that I can stop feeling feelings again and I stop drinking because I don't need it anymore. Life is survivable without constant suffering once every now and again. Every day is some horrible test where I remind myself that after all these years I know well enough by now that emotions are expendable, but after all of these years it hurts so much to not hurt that I wonder what purpose any of it serves. Waking up every morning and feeling like shit because I hate my life or waking up every morning feeling like shit because I don't feel anything at all, it's pretty lose-lose these days. Every smile is fake and every second is torture. The good news is I found my tattoo. It seems pretty fucking sick, at least in my head. I'll work on it. The bad news is that it's getting harder and harder to wake up. And that's life.
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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2008|10:16 pm]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
Spiral.
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(no subject) [Sep. 22nd, 2008|10:27 pm]
Athens burns in the moonlit sky
Not to sound too alarmist or anything but I'm going to take all of my money out of the bank, buy several firearms, and a lot of ammunition, because when this country goes tits up I'll be god damned if you come into my home and take my books you fucking thieving capitalist pigs. You dug your grave, now roll in it.
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